letter to her

          

       I want you to know, that it has been my pleasure, my privilege, to have raised you the first nine years of your life. Although I was in and out of your life these second nine years, because MS came and ruined our plans,  and  stole you from me like a thief in the night, You were never forgotten. We were parted by some cruel fate, I couldn't ever imagine what it must have been like being without me. I could never know what you thought

was happening, but all these years later, I'm fine with living with this disease.What i am not fine with, are all the moments in life I missed with you. First boyfriend, first kiss,  first day behind the wheel, shopping together, looking for prom dresses together, comforting you when you had a bad day at school,

teaching you how to wear makeup and the list goes on and on. You were, the most loving, and happy little girl, i could have ever asked for. You made it so easy to love you, you were my pride and joy. That's why I got so many pictures taken of you! I wanted to show you off to everyone! If you ever doubted my love for you, I just didn't know how to care for something so precious, so fragile. I was afraid I was going to break you! So because your dad was always working a lot, the first few months were hard on me. I was suffering through postpartum depression. That was not something you plan on, it's something that creeps up on you like a thief in the night and leaves you feeling empty, and needing to just get away from the whole baby scene, and revert back into a fetal like position. I didn't know what was

going to happen to my plans for our little family . So I did some research on postpartum depression.  I got prepared to give you the world, but what I didn't count on, was this horrible sinking feeling you get with postpartum depression. but you were here! I didn't have a choice, so I started doing counselling, and taking anti-depression meds, and started working out. I begin to feel like me again, only better! I had you! We started hanging out, being like a real mother/daughter duo! Words could never describe the love I feel for you. I put you through things that you didn't always like. Like, piercing your ears, highlighting your hair, and even perming it! Lol sorry for that. You never cried, it was so crazy what a

good baby you were.  There were times I would sneak in your room to make sure you were still breathing, all of my OCD' s were on alert, when it came to making sure you were safe, healthy, happy, and loved. My favorite memory I had was our time at 9 pm. I would give you your last bottle, and rock you to sleep, every night. When the morning came, at 9am, yes, you slept around the clock!, you woke up happy! Never

crying to wake me up, you just knew I would be there for you. Looking back, If I could change anything, I would tell myself, to just cherish every waking moment with you. I was more cautious and overprotective, instead of just loving you. We always went out to visit the place that made you the happiest, Gaga, and Papa's.

at the nursing home visiting me

hanging out at her favorite place, the farm!

house. It was like a kids wonderland! With all of the toys, animals, and your friends that were there, and of course, the undeniable love you felt for and received from them. I now get it. I thought that there was no way I could even come close to competing with what they had to offer you, but I tried to show you everyday, that through it all, I would always be standing here for you. I know, that you have so much love

from all of your friends and family, but as your mom, you can lay it all on me. Everything. Your hopes, your dreams, your fears, your secrets, your worries, your inner most thoughts,I will carry it all if need be. and when you need me, I will be here. Not the same mom that you once knew, and I may not still be standing, but you better believe me when I say, I will never let anyone hurt you, you are the dream I had come true 18 years ago. Thank you, for bringing a kind of love so beautiful, so life changing to me. I will always love you.

Mamma.

my sweet daughter

finding my way

                             My name is Amy. I'm 41 years old, and have had MS for 17 years. When I first found out that I had MS, I was a nail technitian with a 1 year old daughter, and going thru a divorce.I was diagnosed in 1999, with Bladder and bowel incontinence, and foot drop. That first year, I knew something was wrong, because I had my daughter in 1998, and while in the hospital they told me that my Mumps, Measels, and Rubella shot that I had back before I had to go to school, was no good, so I had to get another one at the age of 24. I didn't think anything about it, so i said "ya sure, why not?" So the next day, We took our daughter home. I wasn't having any footdrop, tripping, or weakness, so I forgot anything felt out of the ordinary with me.We swadled her up in a pink blanket, and then put her in our car to go home. We were a nervous wreck. My mom offered to spend a few days with us to show us the basics. That gave me a little relief. That was my mom though. She was always  there for me. When we arrived home, she told us she would stay up with her brand new grand baby, and get to know her while we rested. 

The first few months of raising my daughter was really rough on me. My husband was working, and I was a stay at home mom, with nothing to do but raise our daughter. Which was fine with me, it was what I've always wanted, but something was off with me. I had always been proned to depression, I had it a lot growing up, but nothing was like this. My little girl and I were just not connecting , bonding as mother and daughter. I had thoughts running crazy in my mind that I couldn't believe what I was thinking. I kept thinking, "what have we done? We had created another human being who needs us for guideance, and to show her how to become a good person, and how to be successful in life! What if we mess it up? What if she grows up to hate us?" The list went on. and on. So I did what I always did when I needed answers. I Went to my mom, and dads. My daughter was their first grandchild, so they were so completely in love with her. So I asked my mom if she could keep her overnight every other Saturday night so we could go out and spend an evening alone together, and she said yes. I thought that having that time alone together was important for us to keep our marriage alive, to go out and have date night, to show each other why we were together in the first place. 

                              


                       

                       After a few months went by, things were smooth sailing with my little family. One day, when my daughter was around 3 months old, and we have made leaps and bounds with our relationship together, through some councelling on my part, My mom had given me a gift certificate to get my nails done by a girl I graduated high school with. So at the beauty shop, getting my nails done, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do nails too? Since I was the one that everyone thought would do something in the cosmotology field, so I asked my mom to watch my daughter while I worked and she said yes, so I told my girfriend who does nails, Yes! Yes we would be teacher and student now. Also, we would workout at a place near the shop we worked at. We would workout some mornings on somedays, and evenings on other days. Training with my good friend, and then working out, was working out really well. It made me miss my daughter so much though. It was what we needed to balance out my depression. I needed to do something productive that I could be proud of, and spending quality time with my daughter, not quantity.

picking and pulling

•                                                                                      Over the years there were many things I did, that were on the same lines of counting. I started wearing makeup when I was around 15. Now, I spent my younger years not wanting to grow up, wanting to always be a kid, and grew up playing with barbies until I was 15!  Then, the interest in makeup came around, I was hooked. I loved mascara. I would cake it on, just so I could pick it off when I was nervous, or help my stress level.  I was a picker. I now have pits indentations in my skin from picking scabs over and over again. I was relentless when it came to picking. I started to wear mascara to school, just to pick all of it off in math class. Now in my eyes, I was invisible, but I'm kinda curious who saw me doing this? Anyway, the more I picked, the more my lashes felt sore. Now, back then, I had the kind of lashes women these days would kill for! They were long and thick! I didn't care about that then. All I wanted was the sheer release I felt from picking. Soon, I would turn to picking my mascara, to pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows out. At first, you couldn't tell, because I had such thick and long lashes and brows.  I couldn't stop.  I went too far, and started pulling patches of my lashes and eyebrows! Looking back, I was so messed up. I really needed some sort of therapy, but that was something I felt, wasn't an option for me. I think it was because I was worried what my parents would say, and I'm not sure how I would bring something like this up to my parents. I would sit, in my stress and anxiety over the world and all of the damage I had done to my body picking and pulling just to feel ok in my mind. I don't think anyone knew it. I just think they thought I was shy. Ok, now there are picking, pulling of lashes, ocd's and counting. I don't know how I even functioned trying keep all of the things straight in my mind that I needed to hide from everyone else so my secrets didn't be revealed. I don't know if my mom ever knew about what all was going on in my mind, or why she never saw me picking and pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows out, but she never said anything. I wish she would have just asked me how I was just once. If she had, I think I would have spilled it all. The worst it ever got, was when I was going through a divorce with my first husband and diagnosed with MS almost at the same time, and I pulled every single eyelash, and eyebrow out. Now, as I'm writing this, I still don't have many eyebrows, because they never grew back, but luckily it is now popular to draw them on. Now my eyelashes, most of them grew back, but they are definately not as thick, but they still have their length. I still think back to when I pulled them out at school, wondering how in the world did I handle all of the stress I put myself through.?  All I can say, is I will never set foot in another classroom. 

Well laid plans