picking and pulling

•                                                                                      Over the years there were many things I did, that were on the same lines of counting. I started wearing makeup when I was around 15. Now, I spent my younger years not wanting to grow up, wanting to always be a kid, and grew up playing with barbies until I was 15!  Then, the interest in makeup came around, I was hooked. I loved mascara. I would cake it on, just so I could pick it off when I was nervous, or help my stress level.  I was a picker. I now have pits indentations in my skin from picking scabs over and over again. I was relentless when it came to picking. I started to wear mascara to school, just to pick all of it off in math class. Now in my eyes, I was invisible, but I'm kinda curious who saw me doing this? Anyway, the more I picked, the more my lashes felt sore. Now, back then, I had the kind of lashes women these days would kill for! They were long and thick! I didn't care about that then. All I wanted was the sheer release I felt from picking. Soon, I would turn to picking my mascara, to pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows out. At first, you couldn't tell, because I had such thick and long lashes and brows.  I couldn't stop.  I went too far, and started pulling patches of my lashes and eyebrows! Looking back, I was so messed up. I really needed some sort of therapy, but that was something I felt, wasn't an option for me. I think it was because I was worried what my parents would say, and I'm not sure how I would bring something like this up to my parents. I would sit, in my stress and anxiety over the world and all of the damage I had done to my body picking and pulling just to feel ok in my mind. I don't think anyone knew it. I just think they thought I was shy. Ok, now there are picking, pulling of lashes, ocd's and counting. I don't know how I even functioned trying keep all of the things straight in my mind that I needed to hide from everyone else so my secrets didn't be revealed. I don't know if my mom ever knew about what all was going on in my mind, or why she never saw me picking and pulling my eyelashes and eyebrows out, but she never said anything. I wish she would have just asked me how I was just once. If she had, I think I would have spilled it all. The worst it ever got, was when I was going through a divorce with my first husband and diagnosed with MS almost at the same time, and I pulled every single eyelash, and eyebrow out. Now, as I'm writing this, I still don't have many eyebrows, because they never grew back, but luckily it is now popular to draw them on. Now my eyelashes, most of them grew back, but they are definately not as thick, but they still have their length. I still think back to when I pulled them out at school, wondering how in the world did I handle all of the stress I put myself through.?  All I can say, is I will never set foot in another classroom.